Here are some more little funny things I have found!
(NOTE: I'm sorry if any of this offends anyone)
One Sunday morning, after attending church services in Hartford, Connecticut, Mark Twain said to Dr. Doane, the minister: "I enjoyed your services this morning, doctor. I welcomed it like an old friend. I have, you know, a book at home containing every word of it."
"You have not," said the indignant Dr. Doane.
"I have so," countered Twain.
"Then send it to me. I'd very much like to see it."
"I'll send it," promised Mark and the following day he sent the Reverend Dr. Doane an unabridged dictionary.
A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say" the little girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say, " the mother said.
The little girl bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an Atheist?
Someone who rings your doorbell for absolutely no reason at all.
St. Peter was walking a group of new souls through Heaven on their "Intro to The Pearly Gates" orientation tour. They first came to a huge mosque-like building where all the Muslim souls in Heaven were worshiping Allah in His allness. The next building they visited was like the first, only here were all the Buddhists. Then the tour dropped in on the Jews in temple, and then the Hindus.
Finally St. Peter brought the group outside the Church were all the Christian souls were worshiping. "Please be very quiet looking in on the Christians," St. Peter told the tour group.
"Why is that?" someone asked.
"Well," he replied, "they think they're the only ones up here."
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.
All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you...
A little boy's prayer. "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."
A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the father.
"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?" pressed the father.
"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "
I needed some supplies from a Sunday school cupboard that was seldom used and was secured with a lock. I didn't know the combination, but our clergyman offered to give it a try.
Father Jack placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised his eyes heavenward for a moment. Then he confidently spun the dial and opened the lock. Seeing how impressed I was with this demonstration of faith, he smiled and confided,
"The numbers are written on the ceiling."
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order.
His response was: 3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7
A man in the middle ages became fed up with humanity and decided to spend the rest of his life in a monastery. The abbot warned him that he would have to take a vow of silence and live the rest of his life as a scribe, to which the man replied, "No Problem. I'm sick of talking."
Ten years went by, and the abbot called for the man. He told him that he was a model monk and perfect scribe, and that they were very happy to have him. As per their tradition, he was allowed to say two words. Asked if he had anything to say, the man nodded and said: "Food cold."
The abbot sent him on his way. Ten years later, he was brought before the abbot again and once again told how pleased they were with his performance, and that he was again allowed two more words if he so chose. The man said: "Bed hard," and was sent back to work. Another ten years went by and again the abbot sent for the man, telling him that he was the best monk they had ever had, and that he was allowed another two words. The man nodded and said: "I quit."
To this, the abbot replied in a disgusted tone: "Doesn't surprise me. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Thats all for now. I hope you enjoyed it!
(NOTE: I'm sorry if any of this offends anyone)
One Sunday morning, after attending church services in Hartford, Connecticut, Mark Twain said to Dr. Doane, the minister: "I enjoyed your services this morning, doctor. I welcomed it like an old friend. I have, you know, a book at home containing every word of it."
"You have not," said the indignant Dr. Doane.
"I have so," countered Twain.
"Then send it to me. I'd very much like to see it."
"I'll send it," promised Mark and the following day he sent the Reverend Dr. Doane an unabridged dictionary.
A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say" the little girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say, " the mother said.
The little girl bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an Atheist?
Someone who rings your doorbell for absolutely no reason at all.
St. Peter was walking a group of new souls through Heaven on their "Intro to The Pearly Gates" orientation tour. They first came to a huge mosque-like building where all the Muslim souls in Heaven were worshiping Allah in His allness. The next building they visited was like the first, only here were all the Buddhists. Then the tour dropped in on the Jews in temple, and then the Hindus.
Finally St. Peter brought the group outside the Church were all the Christian souls were worshiping. "Please be very quiet looking in on the Christians," St. Peter told the tour group.
"Why is that?" someone asked.
"Well," he replied, "they think they're the only ones up here."
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.
All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you...
A little boy's prayer. "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."
A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the father.
"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?" pressed the father.
"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "
I needed some supplies from a Sunday school cupboard that was seldom used and was secured with a lock. I didn't know the combination, but our clergyman offered to give it a try.
Father Jack placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised his eyes heavenward for a moment. Then he confidently spun the dial and opened the lock. Seeing how impressed I was with this demonstration of faith, he smiled and confided,
"The numbers are written on the ceiling."
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order.
His response was: 3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7
A man in the middle ages became fed up with humanity and decided to spend the rest of his life in a monastery. The abbot warned him that he would have to take a vow of silence and live the rest of his life as a scribe, to which the man replied, "No Problem. I'm sick of talking."
Ten years went by, and the abbot called for the man. He told him that he was a model monk and perfect scribe, and that they were very happy to have him. As per their tradition, he was allowed to say two words. Asked if he had anything to say, the man nodded and said: "Food cold."
The abbot sent him on his way. Ten years later, he was brought before the abbot again and once again told how pleased they were with his performance, and that he was again allowed two more words if he so chose. The man said: "Bed hard," and was sent back to work. Another ten years went by and again the abbot sent for the man, telling him that he was the best monk they had ever had, and that he was allowed another two words. The man nodded and said: "I quit."
To this, the abbot replied in a disgusted tone: "Doesn't surprise me. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Thats all for now. I hope you enjoyed it!
